Today I cried again. I think I've cried every day for about a week now. My heart is hurting and I feel shaken and wobbly. And all of this has nothing to do with me or even my family.
Last week my friends' toddler fell into a backyard pool and nearly drowned. To someone on the outside this is cause for saying, "You poor thing", "Bless your heart", "Oh, that's so sad", or "So tragic, I will be praying". And as well and good as all this is - it is not what I said. In fact, I didn't say anything at first. Granted, I didn't actually hear of this tragedy first hand. I got the news through an email. (I should note here: these are past friends that time and life situations have distanced from our close-knit friendship yet they still hold a comfortable and welcome place in our hearts). Even still my first thoughts weren't hardly even thoughts. It was more of an all encompassing sinking,falling, getting the wind knocked out of me, nauseated sort of feeling. Accompanied quickly by the mad scramble of my brain working to figure out- "what do I do with this?".
The tears flowed freely and in waves, spurred by my mother-heart empathy. My first inclination, besides utter despair, was to figure out if I could actually, physically, do anything for them. In all reality the answer was and still is an echoing "no".
So, sitting with empty hands and a cracked and bleeding heart all I could do was pray (and cry) and pray. That's exactly what I did - constantly. Just under my breath, while I went about my day, in worship, in song, in words, in thoughts, with my eyes open, with my eyes shut, with my hands lifted, with my hands clenched, with my hands in dishwater. I prayed.
Of course, the prayers started out with questions, "Why?", "How?", "Where were the angels?", "Why didn't God do something?", "Why them?". There were no answers. So, my heart followed the silence with cries for mercy. "If not then- please NOW! Save him now! Make it right!" In the immediacy it all seemed hopeless. This precious, innocent life was hanging in the balance. A ventilator his link to life.
I didn't know it then but this tragedy was entering my life at a ripe time for my heart to grow. Would I let it?
Hours that seemed like days passed slowly. My head and heart felt as though a thick and somewhat debilitating fog had settled over them. I began to feel like the weight of this situation was encompassing me, pulling me down, consuming my thoughts and hindering me from my basic and God-given priorities. It didn't make sense. I couldn't reconcile the fact that this was something so deeply impacting but yet it wasn't my trial. I couldn't get it out of my head or my heart as I carried the empathy laden heartache.
I found myself checking emails, facebook, text messages hourly, sometimes more, just searching for information, hope, some glimpse of what was happening so I could feel connected to this trauma that had already broken my heart. It didn't make sense that something so far removed from me was already embedding so deeply into my life. It was becoming a focus, a driving force. This deep force was pushing me headlong into very powerful prayer. Prayer like I haven't experienced in a very long time. Prayer that caused me to believe I was approaching the very feet of Jesus. Prayers that I actually felt God might hear and answer. Prayers that came from a deep and rarely tapped place in my soul.
This time of soul wrenching not only produced an invigorated prayer life but also questions. Of course, the questions I spoke of earlier but also questions of my own human limitations. Questions like, "What about my children", "How can I protect my family?" and questions about my spiritual condition like, "How do I carry this burden?", "How do I pray?", "What do I believe?".
Wrestling with these questions and the intense burden caused me to remain down, despairing and mostly inaccessible to those closest to me, namely my children and husband. Somehow I knew this wasn't right or good but I also knew praying and caring was. So, I had to momentarily change my prayers to, "God, how can I carry this and be pleasing to you and be the wife and mom you want me to be?"
You know that deep abiding peace and warmth that begins in your inner most soul and spreads so slowly yet instantly into your physical mind and body? Well, if you don't, just imagine what it's like to come inside from a winter blizzard and sit with your hands and feet facing a warm and sizzling fire. You feel it thawing you slowly, but instantly you feel the warmth and comfort. That is exactly how my answer came - "This is not YOUR valley". God was showing me that this wasn't my valley of despair. These weren't my questions to have answers to and they weren't even my questions to ask. I had to trust that God was walking with my friends through their valley and He would one day bring them back up the mountainside to the top! It wasn't fair but that didn't matter. God doesn't work in ways that are fair. He gives us the amount of strength and grace we need for the valley we are in - not enough to walk through someone else's valley. Ahhhhh, my eyes were open, my soul was lighter, I could see clearly the path before me.
I continued to pray and even feel the burden for this precious family but I no longer carried the despair. I ached for their experiences. I ached that they had to walk this valley. But I rejoiced that God was with them. I rejoiced that He promised to never leave them. I rested in the fact that I wasn't in that valley right now. I rested in the knowledge that God was with me where I was. My prayers did not cease. They did not decrease in fervency or frequency. They continued strong and steadfast in belief but I no longer carried the burden as if it were mine; I no longer allowed to it to consume me heart and soul. I began to realize that I did believe in miracles! I did believe in a loving, involved God!
Which brings me to explain my earlier statement. My heart was ripe for growth. This was a test of sorts. A test of my faith, my belief system and how deep my relationship with God was. You see, in the recent past most of these ideas had started to become vague to me. I wasn't sure I believed much anymore. I had come to the edge of my faith walk and was contemplating taking the plunge right off - not into faithlessness but into that place that believed there was a God but He wasn't involved, didn't care and had removed His hand from the lives of His creation. It was a very precarious time. I wandered, teetered, and slipped from time to time as I searched for the path that I could believe was true. Deep down inside me I knew that truth was truth but I wasn't sure exactly what that looked like. Eventually, through some Godly friends and a lot of prayer and searching and some just basic decision making I came to the end of my journey. I had decided that if I don't believe in the faith I have always had, then it's not faith at all. So, I had decided that I would continue to search for the God I once knew. The God that brought joy to His creation. The God that healed, answered prayers, prepared plans for His children and lead them in the way of righteousness.
Sure, I decided this but now I had to live it. That is a completely different story. I sure didn't feel like things had changed. I had made a decision but my heart was stalling in completely accepting the journey to pursue a deep and meaningful relationship with Jesus. Over time the relationship did grow and and the faith issue I had settled seemed to begin to take root. I have since felt much growth, continued to pursue that relationship rooted belief in a God that is involved. My heart has felt God's hand from time to time and in the tiniest of ways.
All this is to say that the tragic events in my friend's life and the forceful plunge into prayer that it created in my life, has renewed my weak and growing faith. I have seen their strength and been encouraged. I have prayed and prayed, which has brought me into the throne room of the Most High God. I have cried and cried which has purged the unbelief from my heart. I have begun to expect, yes, expect a miracle and believe that God sees. That He is near and that He cares.
I think if it had not been for this tragic turn of events, albeit in someone else's life, my faith may have stayed a bit stagnant and untapped. I think I may have decided to become comfortable with mediocre. To just stay in the comfortable place of saved but not invested.
Don't get me wrong. I surely do not believe God caused this event for my personal growth - that's just not how it works. However, because this bad thing happened I had a choice. I had a choice to either let it mame my faith or bolster it. I chose and choose to let it bolster my faith. What satan means for bad, God can use for good!
Today this precious baby has shown many signs of miraculous healing. He is off the ventilator, he is starting to respond with smiles and laughs. He is starting to eat a bit of solid food. These are awesome and true miracles! However, he is still struggling to overcome the limitations of some brain damage. This family is still dealing with issues that come of such a tragedy. They are still in the throws of complete physical, emotional, mental and spiritual investment in the situation. Their family is still in the valley. And, because of the revelation and growth that God my Father has begun in me, I still choose to remember them in my prayers, daily, hourly even! I choose to bolster my faith, to energize my prayer life, to carry a burden that isn't mine to the feet of Jesus, because He cares, He sees, He is near, He does miracles and because I believe!
Today I cried. I cried tears of pain and sadness out of empathy for my friend. Today I cried tears of joy for a Heavenly Father that is carrying their family through the valley. And today I don't feel shaken, I feel strong and encouraged and ready to walk along side them in prayer. Today I believe!
