The Shattered Mirror

This is a story about a girl I once knew. A girl who was born into a home that looked as though it were built on sand. Her parents probably loved each other, or at least they loved each other once, in the backseat of a car. One year later, as they contemplated the ramifications of their choice, as they looked into the blue eyes of their baby girl, they decided to make a go of it.

As the pages turned in the stories of their lives they made a decision that turned their sandy foundation into one of stone. The girl’s parents devoted their lives to Jesus. And the pages turned and their lives went on and the girl grew. On the eve of her ninth birthday her home changed and although it still had the foundation of stone it became more of a glass house in some ways. Her daddy became a pastor in a small town. At this point the story changed. Not so much about her parents any longer her story was now more about her forming ideas and identity.

“Bad stuff happens but it doesn't happen to us”, seemed to be an idea that made it’s way into her mind.

Lives, like story books have endings and the message to her was “yours will be happily ever after.”

These were among the forming ideals the young girl began to learn and she tucked them deep into her soul. Little did this young girl know that these forming ideals, when challenged would one day knock the breath out of her and rip her heart into shreds.

Many of those experiences may one day be heard about but today you will hear about the story that broke the magic mirror that once told her she would live happily ever after in a world where bad things didn't happen, at least not to her or maybe I should say, at least not in a way that could forever alter her heart. That magic mirror most likely appeared in her adolescence but it became beautiful and enticing and a point of constant pride when she said “I do” to her handsome prince. He was prince charming. He rode in on a white horse and proved every bit the hero, friend, lover she had always expected she would marry. The wedding was beautiful and the marriage, although not perfect, became a place of great joy and refreshment for her slightly bruised soul. And although this is a lovely thought, and even a lovely blessing for her it only served to affirm the message of the magic mirror “you shall live happily ever after”.

Happily ever after in her mind looked a little something like Leave it to Beaver. The stay at home mom, beautiful children all pressed and clean, dinner on the table as her man walks in the door from work, a house that is a home and plenty of smiles to go around. Over the years of her marriage this seemed to be the picture that was truly unfolding. She and her husband had children and enjoyed their changing life and growing family. Believing she was living the dream and fulfilling her every calling she continued to consult the magic mirror regularly to reaffirm her ever growing belief in happily ever after. It seemed as though it had truly arrived and the girl found that sweet place that some believed was only found at the end of story books.

As fun as it would be to end the story here, the truth is, there is more. Some of you may not believe in happily ever after and some of you might still hold strong to that childhood belief, either way there is more to the story and you may find out that sometimes you have to believe in both ideals.

Three children later the couple was happy and healthy and growing and pursuing their faith and family and dreams. Life was happy and good, maybe not easy, but good. About the time her fourth child was about to enter the world her third child, her only daughter, began to have some chronic health issues. No one prepared her for this. No one told her that the pain that her children would encounter in life would actually hurt her heart more than she felt was bearable. As her young daughter endured the first surgery the pain in her heart only seemed to get deeper and more frightening. She watched her young daughter struggle through the recovery and shed tears and express pain and through it all endured her own magnitude of pain that began to shake the very foundations of her beliefs. One day, as she glanced at the magic mirror in hopes of glimpsing the happily ever after future, she noticed it had begun to crack. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The pain was too profound.

Within weeks of the daughter’s surgery the girl’s fourth child was born. Healthy and strong and full of life, a third son. The girl should have been happy, joyful and jubilant at the life she had brought into this world. But, the truth was, she was merely relieved that the baby was no longer growing inside her body. She should have been reveling in the sweet baby smell and soft baby cheeks and the tiny baby fingers. But, the truth was, she was not. She just wasn't.

Suddenly, the magic mirror shattered. Burst within it’s frame. The event that shattered her very fragile remaining belief in the magic of happily ever after came in the form of another dramatic, traumatic, emergency for her daughter. This time there were no answers to the health questions and there was no way for the girl to be with her daughter as she was bound at home caring for the new baby. Watching her daughter be rushed to the ER and waiting and waiting and waiting for days for answers to the questions was brutal. And the fear of not knowing was like a gaping hole waiting to swallow her up. Her mind convinced her of the worst and her heart felt as if the worst had happened. Finally, there was an answer. Another surgery. This time much more invasive and sudden. The pain that the girl felt was unimaginable and indescribable. It plunged her into depths of depression, despair and loneliness. She felt the pain of her daughter’s trauma as if it were her own and her heart was rent .

Thankfully, the surgery was a success and it seemed to be the answer to the chronic health issues for her daughter. Though this was a great relief and brought glimpses of joy, it did little to rescue the girl from the depression that now had her bound and shackled and held firm in the story of her life that now had a very different ending. Shortly thereafter her new son contracted one sickness after another that sent her to long nights and longer days in the hospital witnessing his struggle to breathe and waiting for the disease to run its course. Three times she watched and hovered near her baby, listening to beeps and watching monitors and following the tubes running into his nose. Wanting with everything in her to just be able to take his place, to take his sickness upon herself. For months she endured the loneliness and despair and depression that came with caring for sick baby. No longer could she see anything in the magic mirror for it was shattered, utterly shattered . No longer was there a happily ever after. No longer did the future seem bright and happy. Because no longer could she believe that the ending would be absent of pain and suffering more so she began to understand that the pain and suffering were more like threads wound tightly through the pages of her life.

This isn't the end of the story. However, for now it will be where we leave a bookmark to perhaps one day return.

John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

This verse is familiar to us all. Is it not about Jesus and His love for us? His sacrifice? Yes. And No.

This verse is about God. The Father God. The Father of one son. One son that meant the world, more than than the world to Him. One son that held the place of highest esteem in the Father’s heart. This verse is about the Father that gave his one son to die. Who does that? Who willingly gives up their offspring, their dearest child, to die on behalf of a cause?

The girl in our story decided that there is nothing that she would willingly give her child to die for. Nothing. The pain of watching her child suffer was too much for her heart to bare. Watching her child in pain brought excruciating blackness and scalding wounds to her very soul.

But yet, God the Father chose to give the one thing that cost him everything. The only thing that would cost him more than his own life. His son. Because of His great encompassing, unfathomable love for you He gave His son to suffer. God chose to endure the deepest pain of watching His son endure the unendurable because He loves you that much.

He loves you that much!

This is where the two ideals collide. There is no such thing as “happily ever after” in a world where pain doesn't alter our hearts in some way. There is no such thing as “happily ever after” in a world where we grow and endure wounds from the unexpected. But yet, because of the Father God. Because of His willingness to send his one son, the child that was truly a part of himself, to become a sacrifice. Because He loves you that much. There is a “happily ever after”. The love of the Father covers sins, smooths scars and is balm to the wounds of the soul. The love of the Father remains. In that love we can find our “happily ever after”. We may view it through the shattered glass of pain, fear, and despair but it is there. In the shards and remnants the happily ever after is the healing love that the Father God has for you.

(In case you don't know by now, the girl in the story is me.)