The Ugly Moments

Yesterday was one of those. An "ugly moment". More like an ugly day. I succumbed to it. It started out to be a great day! We slept in and had a fun family cuddle time before we all got out of bed. It was so nice. The morning was slow and boring. (Side note: boring is bad- a person is more likely to give in to sin when they are bored). So, because I was bored I thought I'd play a little Wii. I started to play table tennis and my husband wanted to join me. I had it set in practice mode so I could earn some extra points. I don't play that often and am not that good. However, my hubby is good at it. We sat down to play and I hit a few balls and then missed and was out. It was his turn. He hit over 100 balls while I waited and waited and waited for my next turn. Finally, he missed and was out. My turn. I hit 11 balls, missed and was out. His turn. He hit over 100 balls. I waited and waited.... Well, you get the idea. This was no fun. Unfortunately, this experience triggered a whole spiral down into the depths of self deprivation. I began to feel stupid and inadequate.

I left the room and went about my household tasks of ironing and laundry. The house was quiet and I was alone upstairs so my mind just kept slipping down that slippery slope. I began to feel that my family didn't want to be around me, they didn't care where I was. I started thinking I was dumb and talentless. I started to throw myself a big pity party with all my feelings as my friends. I invited Tears, Sadness, Loneliness, Lies, Depression, and all of their colleagues to this pity party.

Later, I took a walk, alone. It was a warm, sunny day. I began to feel a little better as the sun warmed my face and the brisk walk got my blood pumping through my body. I realized that I was highly emotional today and it was obviously a response to hormone changes in my body. (There is a pattern here- every month I have a day like this). I spent a little time praying, although I admit, it was hard to pray when I felt so awful so it wasn't much of a prayer. It looked more like an invitation for God to join my pity party. I asked why I haven't been getting what I want, why I've had to wait so long for things in my life. I told him what I wanted and asked him to hurry up and help. I guess talking to God is never a bad thing and I think it might have been helpful but it was not healing.

I laid in the sunshine and I think that helped too. By the time I finished my walk around the block and got home I felt a lot better but I was fighting. I was truly fighting to feel better. After the kids were down for their naps I sat and had a little chat with my hubby. I told him how I felt and although he lovingly said I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't true and that he loved me very much, it didn't just magically take my feelings away.

We spent some time outside with the kids before time to go to church and one of my neighbor friends was out there too. I invited her to go to church with us. She accepted. So, off we went. I started wondering if that was such a good idea since I was not really in a "churchy" mood. But, once we got to church and I started to worship I started to feel the peace of God. I still had the feelings inside of me but I enjoyed the presence of God. The pastor encouraged us to let God into every part of our heart and life, into the places we may not have invited Him before. Now, I've been a Christian for a long time and I have heard that statement 100 times a more. And I have said those words 100 times or more but this time I was thinking about the place in my life that caused me to feel the way I was feeling. I invited Him to take over my hormones and my feelings. Again, no magical cure but every little step upward was helping.

I don't remember if it was a song or something the pastor said but I started to realize that my feelings were telling me what to believe. My feelings were telling me to believe that I was stupid, less than, talentless, ugly and more. It was time for my beliefs to tell my feelings what to feel! That is faith! That is the truth of God!

During communion I repented for letting my feelings tell me to believe lies. I asked God and my husband to forgive me for giving in to the lies and behaving as though I was not God's creation. As I accepted their forgiveness I felt light again. I felt life returning to me. I felt joy returning to my heart.

I realize that feelings are real. They are there for a reason. Usually, they are circumstantial. But, feelings are not wrong or right. What I do with those feelings is what becomes wrong or right. How I respond to what I feel is where I have the opportunity to be a woman of excellence or just plain mediocrity. I know that more "ugly moments" will come but this time I will not be caught unaware. I am armed with faith and truth and hopefully the next time the ugly moment visits it won't take all day for me to defeat it. I chose yesterday to accept my feelings for what they are- fleeting feelings. I chose yesterday to strive to live what I believe and not what I feel.

Fear of Man or Trust in God

The other day I was reading in Exodus about Moses. Most of us have grown up hearing the story of bravery, heroism, and righteousness. Truly Moses was a great patriarch in our faith. He was a man of God and was a vessel used in many miraculous ways. However, I was a little stunned at the revelation I saw in the scriptures when I read these passages again. Exodus 3:2-4... "Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So, Moses thought, 'I will go over and see this strange sight- why the bush does not burn up.' When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, 'Moses! Moses!' And Moses said, 'Here I am.'" Moses was obviously brave. He didn't turn and run when the voice from the bush spoke. He didn't douse it with water when it was on fire. He simply said, "Here I am". I think Moses had enough of a history and relationship with God to know whom he was speaking to. In the continuing verses God and Moses continue a dialog. It seems Moses wasn't ready to just say, "Yes God, I will go" but His trust in God was also very great so he didn't say, "No" either. Further on in the chapter Moses asks God, "What if they don't believe me?" So God proceeds to show Moses several signs.

The first sign is in Chapter 4 beginning in verse 2. "God said, 'What is in your hand?', 'A staff' [Moses] replied. The Lord said, 'Throw it on the ground.' Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake and he ran from it. Then the Lord said to him, 'Reach out and take it by the tail.' So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand." Obviously Moses trusted God enough to reach out and grab a snake by the tail, one that he had just run away in fear from. That's a lot of trust!

God then told Moses to put his hand inside his cloak. Moses did and when he pulled it out it was covered with leprosy, one of the most devastating and worst diseases in that day. God told him to put his hand back into his cloak. Moses did and his hand was healed. Obviously Moses trusted God to heal him of the greatest incurable disease of his time.

But as we read on Moses starts to get nervous. Even after God showed him signs and wonders. Even after God told him the complete plan. Even after God said, "I Am the I Am". Even after God said, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord?" (Exodus 4:11). Moses' response is, "...please send someone else to do it." This is where we see Moses' weakness. His fear of man.

Moses' fear of man outweighed his trust in God. When it was just Moses and God, Moses seemed to have limitless faith to obey and trust. But as soon as God mentioned speaking in front of a powerful man, Moses became weak and scared. This made me think about my own faith. When it's just God and me in the quiet, safe places, my faith seems to grow and I feel strong and confident but as soon I leave that place and go out into the world I see myself growing fearful. "What will they think?", "How will they respond?". "What if they reject me?", "Do I really have the answers to their questions?", "What if I don't know what to say?", "What if they say something that hurts me?". All of these questions represent a fear of man.

Proverbs 29:25 says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." The fear of man seeps into our lives in every area, in every facet of our lives. It doesn't just apply to witnessing or talking to others. It is in our behavior, our thoughts, our relationships. All of us have a line where our trust in God diminishes and our fear of man takes over. Where is the line in your life?

God in the Heart of a Father

I was inspired by a friend's statement. She said, "Maybe it was your father's behavior that helped you not respond in the 'normal' ways." Out of context that doesn't really make sense. Read on.

Sparing many details that span many years I will begin by telling you that some very sad, even abusive things happened to me when I was a child. Things that should never happen to a young girl. Suffice it to say, inappropriate touching happened. A person within the family took advantage of my childhood innocence. I was so young I really didn't understand. As it continued over many years I learned it was not right. So, eventually I stood up for myself and put a stop to the inappropriate behavior. Thankfully, it worked and those events stopped.

Now, truthfully, I should be scarred, wounded, angry, bitter, hateful, suffer from low self-esteem and possibly depression etc. But I don't. For many years I held the secret inside, I told no one, but instead of letting it eat at me and keep my wounds open I decided to choose the path of forgiveness. To make a long story short, I forgave. Forgetting is impossible. Strong boundaries are in place but my heart is free.

Over the years I have shared some of my story with a few people. Sometimes I believe it has been helpful. A lot of times I get the look that says, "You're lying. You must be in denial. There's no way you can be okay." Truth is, many people who experience what I did end up that way; bitter, angry and not okay. I was sharing with one of my closest friends the other day. I had previously told her the whole story of those events in my childhood. This time I was telling her about the responses I was getting to my story. I remembered the first time I told her. She gave me that look. I asked her about it. "So, why did you look at me like I was lying when I told you that I was healed and okay? That I had forgiven and was walking in freedom?" She said, "I really didn't believe that was possible after such horrific experiences. But, as I've gotten to know you over the years and I've watched how you live your life. I believe you now."

As our conversation continued we explored the importance of a daddy's relationship with his daughter. I grew up with an absolutely loving, wonderful daddy. Even though he didn't know what had happened in secret, he offered healing words. I remember hearing him telling me I was a beautiful young lady, that he was proud of me. He protected me, he loved me, he accepted me. He forgave me. He was an example of Jesus to me.

My friend said that maybe it was his behavior as a loving, caring father that helped my heart to heal and protected me from the normal pitfalls of abuse. I believe she is right. I would go one step further. I believe is was partly his example of a loving, caring, forgiving father that led me to feet my Heavenly Father. That is where I found and still find the ultimate healing and forgiveness.

I see the big picture now. I see the potential for so many pitfalls and pain in my life. But, I see that in responding to the leading of the Holy Spirit, my dad led me toward the path of life. God in the heart of a father is a powerful thing!