The Ugly Moments

Yesterday was one of those. An "ugly moment". More like an ugly day. I succumbed to it. It started out to be a great day! We slept in and had a fun family cuddle time before we all got out of bed. It was so nice. The morning was slow and boring. (Side note: boring is bad- a person is more likely to give in to sin when they are bored). So, because I was bored I thought I'd play a little Wii. I started to play table tennis and my husband wanted to join me. I had it set in practice mode so I could earn some extra points. I don't play that often and am not that good. However, my hubby is good at it. We sat down to play and I hit a few balls and then missed and was out. It was his turn. He hit over 100 balls while I waited and waited and waited for my next turn. Finally, he missed and was out. My turn. I hit 11 balls, missed and was out. His turn. He hit over 100 balls. I waited and waited.... Well, you get the idea. This was no fun. Unfortunately, this experience triggered a whole spiral down into the depths of self deprivation. I began to feel stupid and inadequate.

I left the room and went about my household tasks of ironing and laundry. The house was quiet and I was alone upstairs so my mind just kept slipping down that slippery slope. I began to feel that my family didn't want to be around me, they didn't care where I was. I started thinking I was dumb and talentless. I started to throw myself a big pity party with all my feelings as my friends. I invited Tears, Sadness, Loneliness, Lies, Depression, and all of their colleagues to this pity party.

Later, I took a walk, alone. It was a warm, sunny day. I began to feel a little better as the sun warmed my face and the brisk walk got my blood pumping through my body. I realized that I was highly emotional today and it was obviously a response to hormone changes in my body. (There is a pattern here- every month I have a day like this). I spent a little time praying, although I admit, it was hard to pray when I felt so awful so it wasn't much of a prayer. It looked more like an invitation for God to join my pity party. I asked why I haven't been getting what I want, why I've had to wait so long for things in my life. I told him what I wanted and asked him to hurry up and help. I guess talking to God is never a bad thing and I think it might have been helpful but it was not healing.

I laid in the sunshine and I think that helped too. By the time I finished my walk around the block and got home I felt a lot better but I was fighting. I was truly fighting to feel better. After the kids were down for their naps I sat and had a little chat with my hubby. I told him how I felt and although he lovingly said I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't true and that he loved me very much, it didn't just magically take my feelings away.

We spent some time outside with the kids before time to go to church and one of my neighbor friends was out there too. I invited her to go to church with us. She accepted. So, off we went. I started wondering if that was such a good idea since I was not really in a "churchy" mood. But, once we got to church and I started to worship I started to feel the peace of God. I still had the feelings inside of me but I enjoyed the presence of God. The pastor encouraged us to let God into every part of our heart and life, into the places we may not have invited Him before. Now, I've been a Christian for a long time and I have heard that statement 100 times a more. And I have said those words 100 times or more but this time I was thinking about the place in my life that caused me to feel the way I was feeling. I invited Him to take over my hormones and my feelings. Again, no magical cure but every little step upward was helping.

I don't remember if it was a song or something the pastor said but I started to realize that my feelings were telling me what to believe. My feelings were telling me to believe that I was stupid, less than, talentless, ugly and more. It was time for my beliefs to tell my feelings what to feel! That is faith! That is the truth of God!

During communion I repented for letting my feelings tell me to believe lies. I asked God and my husband to forgive me for giving in to the lies and behaving as though I was not God's creation. As I accepted their forgiveness I felt light again. I felt life returning to me. I felt joy returning to my heart.

I realize that feelings are real. They are there for a reason. Usually, they are circumstantial. But, feelings are not wrong or right. What I do with those feelings is what becomes wrong or right. How I respond to what I feel is where I have the opportunity to be a woman of excellence or just plain mediocrity. I know that more "ugly moments" will come but this time I will not be caught unaware. I am armed with faith and truth and hopefully the next time the ugly moment visits it won't take all day for me to defeat it. I chose yesterday to accept my feelings for what they are- fleeting feelings. I chose yesterday to strive to live what I believe and not what I feel.